Shrouded in Darkness

Days, weeks, months and years go by.  You think and go through things.  You play them over and over in your head and you try to make sense of them.  You can’t explain it.  You can’t rationalize it.  You cant even speak about it.  No matter how much you think about it, it will never make sense.

Ever since I started this blog I have gone through ups and downs.  But, there is a side of this I have not gone into.  When all of this happened 3.5 years ago…I was diagnosed with Mental Health Illnesses.

Now, I am sure that there are many of you who think….
“Whatever….That shit is fake. Get over it”
“You are weak”
“Its a break up!!! Fucking Deal with it”

Then there are a select few who completely understand.  The best I can explain it….
You don’t want to get up in the morning.  You don’t want to talk to anyone. You are short with everyone who speaks to you; no matter what they talk to you about or say to you.
One of the only things you wish for is that someone, anyone…..PLEASE understand what you are going through.

Mean while for me…… this is what I want to do….

“Ok, what happened?  What did I do?  What did I say?  Why, Why is this going on? Will it end? Maybe I should get up….. No i don’t want to.  No…maybe I should go for a run….call my mom…..visit a friend………….(8 hours later) I guess i fell asleep….Meh its Ok.  There is always tomorrow”

I don’t want to answer the phone.  I don’t want to help people.  My best friends makes me angry just by talking to here.

In the end….You feel like you are draped in a black cloak.  A cloak that weighs about 8000 pounds.

You are not alone.  You are not by yourself.  I will keep going….
I will share what I have been through…….   I will say this though…..

The faster you can say “I don’t FUCKING CARE ANYMORE!!!” the better and faster you reach radical acceptance.

Cheers All

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All I Ask Is For a Break!!!

I swear, I dont understand life and how it all works.  I don’t fucking get it.  Overhear on my birthday I am told “This is Your Year!!  Good things will Happen”.  And every fucking year is worse than then previous.  I am not trying to say “poor me” or anything like that.  I am actually saying this FUCKING sucks.
So…….In one day…..ONE fucking day…. I am told my Mom has Cancer.  I felt like my world just shattered.  I had no idea what to do.  What to say.  Where to go.  I felt like to world had pulled the floor from under me.  Of all people in the world…my mom.
My mom is the most amazing woman in the world.  She is smart, beautiful, independent and so much more.  I can imagine life without her.  I remember when I was little she use wake us up, and make tea and cinnamon toast.
So anyways I called Kat as soon and I stable enough to and told her everything.  She was crying and I was crying and I felt even worse because she was at work.  So the day goes on in a crazy haze and I decide its time to drive home.  I live 2 hours away.  My mom walked out and said “Are you ok to leave?”  ” Yes mom I am fine.  I promise.  I will call when I get home”  Gave her a hug and a kiss.  Hopped into the car and drove off.
BAM!!!!

My car decided it really and I mean REALLY wanted to meet the POLE!  I wasn’t even 5 minutes from my house and my car hit a slick.  I hit a light post head on.  I sat there for a second and SCREAMED as loud as I could in the car.  Looked around and then I heard a weird sound.  I looked up through my sun roof and saw the light shaking back and forth.  I grabbed my phone and got out of the car.

I stood there for a second looking at the wreckage.  The I heard…… That all to familiar sound….. Another car hit the same slick… I ran down the hill.  Thank GOD I did.  The other driver hit my care so hard it moved my car 3 feet and took off the back end.

This was my very first accident.  I was ok at first.  Then the second car hit and well now the HYSTERICS come into play.  I was a basket case.  Then 4 other cars hit the same slick….thankfully no one else became entangled in my web or car carnage.

Thinking, I was safe in calling my Father, I did so.  I was a mess….   When I left home I remember my father was outside.  Completely away from my mother.  So Thinking he was still there, away, from my mother I called in complete hysterics.  I couldn’t even get the words out to the point where he started to yell at me.  I finally got out that he needed to come to me and I had been in an accident.   WELL…..MOM WAS RIGHT BESIDE HIM.

What I found out after……..
“are you there? Are you THERE?”
…………..
“What Happened?  Are you ok? Jill, JILL!!!”
…………..
“Im Coming”

MOM…

“What happened?”
“Is that jill”
…………
“IS that ALLY, Was she in an accident?”
……………
“IS THAT JILL…IS SHE OK????”

Dad…
YES……YES….YES….

I dunno, i was told it was pretty crazy and hilarious.  Kinda wish it was recorded.

Anywho……
My mom, brother and father come out to get me.  I will say the most terrifying experience was seeing my mother RUNNING down a freeway off ramp in TEARS!!!

Then, the police officer looks at me and says….

“Who is that?”
“My Mother”
“How old are you”
“34”
“And you live at home still…. WOW”

I think I almost knocked him the FUCK OUT!!!
Thought Bubble:
I just found out my mom has cancer…..I just HIT A POLE….the 2min later a car HIT ME.
You fucking tell me what part of this sounds like a good FUCKING DAY…..Good enough for you to be a TOTAL FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!!!

“No actually I was on my way home to China, But Thanks”

Why didn’t I say anything…..My father was there…..he didn’t know about my mom.
It was a huge secret.

Anyways…… with that I think I am spent.  Its a shitty story to relive….
BUT, the reason I tell these stories is because….I want people to know… that things are shitty for everyone…..  Its just a matter of you handle it….Take care of it…. and deal with it.

Don’t roll over and die.  Just let it go….

Cheers,

Black Ink Princess

Radio silence……Asshole

Relationships are a joining of two people. You try to combine your lives and see if they will work as a whole.  Both parties work the same to create an equality.  

Sometimes you find yourself in a place where you feel you do more than the other.  Or you feel you are not being heard.  So you start to doubt yourself and think that maybe it’s your fault.   Then you remember all of the things that brought you to that point.  

I was with someone for a year and a half. The total polar opposite of me.   I am into art galleries, painting, reading and stuff.  He was into motorcycles, weed and staying home.  Now, I feel I need to explain that he did have some mental health issues to deal with.  As do I, as do many people.   Which I was totally fine with.  Who am I to judge?  So, I did what I could do to support.  When he didn’t have money I paid (which was a fair bit).  All I asked in return was “please, just remember what I do for you.”  

Those words apparently didn’t mean much.   Every time we had an argument about anything he would bring up all of the little things he did for me but nothing about the things I did for him.  He forgot them so quickly.  

With that being said….. 

The China Cabinet

My grandmother passed away in 2004.  She was a wonderful women.  She was the embodiment of strength and honour.   I her home there was a large solid wood China cabinet.   This cabinet had crystal, fine china, and so much more in it.   I used to stare at the things in it like I was in a museum.  So when my grandmother passed away and my aunt passed away… My dad moved into the house and put it up for sale.  He had to get rid of all the things inside.  

One day I went to Windsor.   It was a momentus occasion “Randal” my BF was coming  I meet my family.  Soooo, we stop at my dads first.  We go in and say hello and all and then we are looking at all the stuff.  My dad continues to ask me what I want….then he asked me if I wanted the China Cabinet.  I told home I have nowhere to put it or i would.  

So what does he do “hey Randal you want it?”  My mouth dropped to the ground.  I could not believe it.  

Thought bubble ” you have known him for 20 min!!! Are you on fucking glue???? Did you forget your fucking crazy pills?” 

Randal, decides yes!  And guess why he said yes….. Not because he wanted it.  Not because he knew I wanted it and thought I will take it for her.  No no, it’s free and he can sell it! 

You fucking heartless piece of shit.  You fucking greedy, son of a bitch!  

Well he didn’t sell it because no one would by it.  So he still has it.  

We broke up about a month ago.  So yesterday I feel I am good and I can do this, so I message him to make arrangements to get it back. 

Radio Silence…… Asshole won’t respond.  

I have hired people, made room and arrangements. Asshole won’t reply. 

Now I am sad and upset.  And I had no ill will against him.  Nothing bad….  Now I have words.  Now….have anger.  

Jerk! 

Cheers for now

Black ink Princess

Fuck The Rabbit Hole

Ladies and Gents….it has been a long time.   Ups, downs, left and right.  I have no idea where I am.  I do periodically stope to admire the scenery, then I realize it’s like looking at fucked up Picasso and keep going.   

Over the past year and a half I have been in a relationship.   I gave this person the respect of not writing about the relationship.  Then, I realized this person never gave me respect as a person. 

Thought bubble  “I will not do that.  It’s not nice”

Thought bubble NOW    “Fuck you!”

So, this relationship was different and it had a lot of baggage.  Which I have no problem with as I myself have baggage.  What kind of person would I be if I didn’t give him a chance.   

I then became known for four famous words.  “It will get better”

People when you find yourself saying this, Run!!!  Run for the bloody hills!   Run so dam far not even God would follow you.  I said this every week for months.   Months I tell you.   No matter what it was, or how much I did for this person he was never grateful.  And when he did decide to mention anything about give and take, it was always about what he felt he did for me.  

With all of that being said I think this is a good place to stop and say I will have some more I depth stories soon.  

Let me tell you, you totally don’t want to miss out on the Costco adventure.  

FML!!!  

Cheers All,

Black Ink Princess

Go to hell

Really……I mean seriously…..

You need to get a life….

So….I don’t think I made myself clear….I may have a little story or two left….

We shall go back to the beginning. Yes….THE BEGINNING….

We all know Mr.Brown pretty well and how “wonderful” he was to me. Now several times have I seen Mr.Brown….Several times have I encountered the “other woman”. I won’t give her a name because I can’t think of a nice one. Now, I have several thoughts on this…. An the only reason I am even writing this blog is because I know, FOR A FACT, that this person is reading my blog. I know they have seen it. I know they have read a few stories. I have several things to say about this.

You need a life!

Are you so fucking pathetic that you have to continuously read this to see what I am doing? Can you not attempt to be an ounce of a man and just…well I dunno email me if you have something to say or want to know? WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SOOOOOOO INTERESTED???

Readers…..Why are EX’s so interested after 2-3 years of being broken up….
Lets re-cap
– YOU CHEATED….
– YOU LIED….
– YOU WERE THE ASSHOLE

Yes….I was needy
Yes….I was a girl
Yes….I was a crazy one
Yes….I TOLD YOU I WAS GOING THROUGH SHIT!!!

…………

NO- You didn’t care
Yes- you were an ass when you broke up with me
Yes- I was devastated

NO……..I DONT FUCKING CARE!!! What I do care about is that you still find a way to see what the fuck is going on with my life……

NO…..I DONT CARE WHAT YOU ARE DOING…
NO…..I DONT WANT TO KNOW…

YES- You can go to hell!

Now lots of you may be saying…..”this chick is fucking crazy….she is a lunatic”. Your right…I am crazy…And I am proud of it….I also have no other way of getting my point across!

LAST TIME I SAY THIS……I have been so kind as to keep your identity anonymous…. But, if you disrespect my wishes again, I GUARANTEE I will not be so kind.

The Rabbit Hole takes a turn……

Into the hole further and further.  Winding and twisting.  Taking all the bends.  Left right up down….

When does it stop?  When does the world feel you get a break?  When do you start to understand that the world is not out to get you?  I have tried to contemplate this over and over again.  I have tried to say…..Its ok….Its gonna get better.  I have tried to compartmentalize…..

November was a rough month…….. But you know what lets start with the good, then the bad….then the ugly!

I know it has been a while since I wrote…..working 4 jobs and having no life is trying.  You have no time for you, family…..You feel like you are spending money on a glorified storage unit cause you are never spending time at home.

Thought Bubble
” HELL MAN….I ams spending $600 a month  of my cat to enjoy the luxury of a 1 bedroom penthouse suite.  WHAT THE FUCK!!! At least he could do the dishes……vacuum…SOMETHING!”

So anyways, I work 4 jobs and have no life…….
Every time I speak to my mother (please know that I love my mother more than words can explain), its about money.  Its always about money…..

You work 4 jobs how do you know have money?
Where does your money go?
You had all that money….What did you do with it?

Thought Bubble….(EVERY FUCKING TIME)
“4 Jobs………20/30hrs a week at 2 making $12.00 an hour……thats about 700$ bi-weekly.  $1400 monthly……..1. $600 – rent, $360 – Car insurance, $90 – phone, $100 – Internet, $125 – Payment, $80 – gas, $150 – Groceries……  I would say that covers it mom……..I am not doing drugs…….I am not shopping……..so really what the hell is you think I am doing with my money……Oh wait….its called LIVING!!!!!”
So, anyways the next few stories are about the winding roads that I have taken after landing at the end of the rabbit hole…..

Meeting a boy…..Which has its ups and downs….which are pretty entertaining.
Getting into a car accident…..OH WAIT….2 accidents in less than 1 min….
Cancer…..Not me but its there……..
New job…ONE JOB…..ONLY ONE!!!!

I will leave you with this…….. You will hear from my soon……
Unfortunately there are no dating stories…..now they are relationship stories….They are even better!

Cheers all……Can’t wait to talk to you more!!!
Black Ink Princess

 

Really BTN …….Are you serious!?!?!?

Have you ever wondered who is exactly reading your blog? Every time I type something, I wonder….

Is HE reading this?
Do they know what I am saying?
If they do know what I am saying….do they have any remorse?
Are they angry?
Has my ex read this?

Then after all these things are though of……I wonder some more…

Do I care if he reads this?
Do I really need to wonder about all of this?

Then lastly…..

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU READING THIS????

So, If you know who I am and you are reading this…….FUCK OFF!! Just Fuck off…Plain and simple.

Yes, I get it….I am bitch, I am horrible, I am the Evil that is the world! I am dramatic, I over react and I have not let it go…..

Funny thing, I am over it…..I have let go….When I see you, I laugh. When I am asked about you…..I have nothing to say. I have nothing but unhappy memories. I don’t want to try and remember good ones, cause they were all fake, fabricated phoney…..Like the digital world you so choose to absorb yourself in.

FYI…..You are a bad person. You are not nice and you make me sick. The fact that I gave you 3 years of my life makes me cringe. The fact that you cheated on me more than once tells me you have no soul. You have no heart. You take pleasure in harming people and being a sick twisted person. I have been kind and kept your identity a secret. Do ma a favour and completely separate yourself from my life. Stop reading this blog and stop attempting to see what I am doing in my life. If you want to know…..Grow some balls, be a man and ask. Now, I understand that may be difficult for you…..But…TRY!

Now, I am sorry for being so fucking rude….But really, I have had enough. I am sure some of you are saying “WHOA, What a bitch!!” Or you can’t believe that I would be so rude or cold about this on here. The truth of the matter is, he didn’t care when he ruined me. He didn’t give a damn that I was out of everything. I lost my friends, I lost my self…..And everyone knew who I was. At least here there is anonymity here. I have been so kind as to keep your identity a secret.

All I ask….Is please….LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!!

HOLY HELL….2.0 RETURNS!!!!!

Ok this is too crazy.  So I am at work and I was walking around and this guy walks by me.  I kinda do a double take and I am like……”What the hell….That was 2.0!!!”

So, I get a little devilish and I am taking my last break before my coverage leaves for the day.  I Go outside for a smoke and walk right by him.  He see’s me.

I am outside talking my time and then go back in.  WELL WHAT THE FUCK…..Wouldn’t you know who is in front of me AT MY WORK!!!!

I walk….go to the back and drop off my stuff.  I walk back out and walk straight towards him.  He looks up.  I swear it looks like he has seen a ghost.  I walk away and go to the front of my store for coverage.  About 2 min later my co worker Lucy, walks up to me and says……

Lucy: So, I think I was just helping your ex…
Me: What??
Lucy: Yeah, Was that guy your ex??
Me: Kinda….I guess you could say that but not really…Why What happened??
Lucy: We were talking and he was going to pick up some stuff.  All of the sudden he was not able to talk.  He looked at me and said….”Does she work here?”  I looked around and saw you, said yes.  Then he took his hat, pulled it down over his face and said “I will come back another time.”  He hugged the wall and booked it out!!!

I am know LAUGHING MY ASS OFF!!!!!!

I told her the very fast version of 2.0.  She is now laughing her ass off!

Now i decide to be a little bit of a bitch……

Me: 2.0…..really you had to dip out??? I don’t bite
Him: You sure?
Me: I am 🙂
Him: Word on the street is that there are a few choice opinions of me. So I left.
Me: Really. Well instead of dipping out why don’t you ask me
Why don’t you come back or just meet up with me and we can have a civil conversation
Him: Why bother. You’re working. That wouldn’t be cool. I wouldn’t be cool With that. Nor does it really matter.
I’m already out. That was my last stop
Me: Well then 2.0 take care
I won’t bother you again
But out of curiosity. How am I the bad person in this?
Him: I never said you were.
Me: Ok
Again won’t bother you again
Him: You’re not bothering me. I just know that my name took a beating a while back and so with that in mind I removed myself from the situation.
Me: What are you talking about
My friends were asking what the hell happened. You just disappeared again. It hurt me you hurt me
I maybe talked to 3 people
Him: People talk. Such is life.
I’m not mad. I just left.
Me: Why did you leave?
What did you think I was gonna do??
Honestly 2.0…. Are you happy???
Cause if you are that’s all I care about. You and I were not a match. I am not your kinda girl. No harm no foul. I am over it.
Him: I didn’t think you were gonna do anything. You should know I’m not affraid of much. I just left. Plain and simple.
Me: Well word on the street is you stopped a conversation asked if I worked here pulled your hat down, said you would come back and booked it. My associate also said you looked afraid.
Him: I laughed and pulled on my hat. Not pulled my hat down. I did ask. I did leave. That’s not secret.
Me: Whatever. Are you gonna be civil if I am at work. I am management there. I really don’t care.
Him:  Civil? Really? Did I say a word? Did I act rude? No. I removed myself from the equation. I was caught off guard.
Me:  Whoa…..no need to get all mad.  :-/
Him:  I’m not mad. I don’t get mad. You’re asking me if I would be civil. Yes. Of course. I’m 34 years old. Doesn’t mean cause I didn’t stay to talk I was being uncivil. And by scared I would most surely say surprised/shocked would be a better term
Me:  Why did you disappear
That’s right you are 34 years old and did what you did 2 times!!
What’s the difference
Him:  Okay. So I’m not sure why we’re going down this road. I’ll catch you around sometime. It’s all good.
Me:  Same old. Coward
Him:  Seriously?!? Cause I don’t want to fight? Cause I know you’ve got a hate on for me? So I    left? I’m the coward? Did you do anything?!? Did you have a spine? No. And I leave cause I didn’t need to be around someone who runs their mouth about me. And that makes me a coward?  Try to be civil huh? Right.
Me:  Well at least I communicate. You just run  Cheers
Him:  Are you fucked?!? That’s your work place? Out if respect I would leave. Especially after what I heard. And please. This isn’t communicating. You ran right to the back. Then right to the front. Hiding behind a screen doesn’t take much.

Me:  Lmao.   Again….cheers.  You my dear are delusional.
Him:  Okay. Thanks for the communication you proved the point.
Me:  Are you serious
You wouldn’t even answer my question.
You didn’t even tell me why you disappeared
Why you treated me that Way
You wanna talk civil and communication you are in a class of your own Mr.2.0

OK……So…Maybe I shouldn’t have text.  Maybe I shouldn’t have egged him on……But, I ask you…..Whats your take….what is your opinion.  Any and all feedback is welcome!

But really……If all was ok and you have nothing to be ashamed of…..What the FUCK would you leave like that you FUCKING NIM ROD!!!

like is said…….COWARD….

 

Cheers,
Black Ink Princess

 

 

 

Give me a FUCKING answer!!!

So I started dating someone about 5 months ago.  He is great!  Super kind, funny, cute and articulate.   But, there is one major thing that pisses me off to no extent.  I want to know why it is that you can just give me a fucking answer.  

Question: Hey babe I am done work early tonight, what do you say i come over?

His answer: Sure thats cool, whatever.
Me: Ok…… Well do you want me to come over or not.  I don’t want to bother you….
Him: Whatever you want…Its all good. 

Then conversation goes on endlessly until it gets to the point of…

Him: You know I am getting sick of this….If you want to come over, come over if not thats fine.

So we see what happens now.  I, as a female am completely thrown off by this rude and cruel manner.  Also, why can you just say “Yes I WANT YOU TO COME OVER”  Like WTF?!?!?!
Do you have word fear?  Are you scare that I actually might know you want me there?  Are you scare I may know how you feel about me?  I am a tough cookie…..You can fucking tell me like it is!

How the conversation SHOULD GO in my,or any other females eyes.

Me: He Babe, I have the night off and thought I would come over and hang out with you for a bit.
Him: Yeah that sounds good!  See you soon.

DONE….Thats it….NO room for questions or lingering…..No room for error or thoughts.  Why the fuck can’t you just say that?  Why do you have to give the element of doubt? What the fuck is wrong with you????   

So, the other night my friend and I were over to my guys house for dinner.   At the end of dinner we were talking about whether I was going to stay there for the evening…..or if i was going to go home with Kat.   So I asked him….I was like what do you think.  

Him: I am easy…..I don’t care what you do….If you wanna stay you can if no worries.

THOUGHT BUBBLE
“Is it soooooooo bloody hard to say you want me to stay!  Is it soooooo fuck hard to say I would like it if you stayed!  I know you have stuff to do, But I would like you to stay!  Is it that Fucking difficult!  It must be because every dam time I say something I get something like “Damn woman talking to you is harder than a blind man putting on make-up!”

Me: Ok babe……Well I am gonna go home then.  I won’t see you for another week cause I am super busy with work….But I will miss you. 
Him: No worries…..(kiss good bye).

The next day….I get a text….

I miss you TONS and I am thinking of you!

Seriously……what the FUCK!

Cheers…..Black Ink Princess

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